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These jokes come from many different sources, original material acknowledged. Now these are the clean ones - but that doesn't mean children will understand them all!

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "No way. We don't serve string here".
So, the string goes outside, leaps into the air and loops back through himself - then unwinds one end to make it look really shaggy. He goes back in and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "aren't you that piece of string I refused a while back?"
"No", the string says, "I'm afraid not".

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bar and asks "Where's the bar-maid?"
"Same place as the rest of the furniture", came the reply.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. Both proceed to drink as much as they can.
Eventually, the giraffe falls to the floor, unconscious. The man begins to walk out.
So the barman shouts "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there !"
The drunk replies "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe !"

A man goes into a bar with car jump leads round his neck.
The Bartender says "Okay, you can stay this time... but don't you go startin' nuthin!"

A Chicken sandwich goes into a bar.

The Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here!"

Q: What's got 5 legs and an arm?

A: A Rottweiler.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. It probably isn't screwed in properly anyway.

Paddy went into the Butchers shop and asked for a pound of sausages.
The Butcher said " They're Kilos now, Sir".
Paddy replied " I'll have a pound of Kilo's then".

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Ever other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behaviour..."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS.....
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no apparent reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Apple car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Finally, a computing gem! A bit long, but worth it...

(Which reminds me...."Daddy, why won't this magnet pick up this floppy disc?"....Doh!)

Some advice for everyone who doesn't know how to look after floppy disks, enjoy....

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes.
Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive. (see item #2 above.)
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.